It’s been 3 weeks…and I still sometimes feel it was like a dream.
I have the nerve only now to put it on…
I’ve got my ticket to go back alone on Sunday night, but when I was in a meeting with client on Saturday afternoon, lil girl changed plan to go back ASAP on Saturday night since ayah been admitted to Sultanah Aminah Hospital, Johor Bharu.
We reached JB only on Sunday afternoon, after a very early journey on Sunday morning from KL since both lil girl and BIL worked late on Saturday night.
He was resting when we arrived, lil brother said he don’t wanna eat…not even the fruits that were his favorites.
When we around him, he said that he feels exhausted and once a while seeking for a deep breath…he asked us to give him some massage. So we did…like we always did…
We tried to feed him, but he refused, he said he don’t have the appetite to eat…
I took care of him that Sunday night, being with him that night...watching him sleep, help him to wake up…it’s such a different feeling to see him lying in bed with the oxygen mask…I know he don’t like it, but I told him that he has to, otherwise he won’t be getting enough oxygen, and he listened. Once a while he wanted to sit, so I helped him to sit and when he fall asleep, I helped him to lay down…until he fall in a deep sleep…
I just sleep by his bed, just don’t want to be away from him…
His condition getting more stable on Monday night after some food feed by lil girl, and getting better on Tuesday morning.
Mom arrived in the afternoon, I saw she cries telling dad to be patient…I can’t describe what the feeling at that time was. I kissed him before left him for KL.
Later, we took mom for lunch and some rest. Whilst having lunch, mom told us that dad whisper to her that it’s not the time yet…and we laughed, hiding our own feeling…
And I was about 80 km to KL when I smells dad…and I told hubby about it, and it was quite sometimes before I tell him…
We just reached Desa Pandan to get some dinner when we received a call from hospital, the nurse said that he’s very critical, he’s unconscious and at that time, mom, lil’ girl and lil’ brother was on their way back to hospital for Maghrib prayer…
And when hubby & BIL catching up their rush dinner, my tears started to drop slowly…unstoppable…I’m sending messages all over to aunties & uncles…and the relatives that I can remember.
When auntie said that she wants to come with us back to Johor, I decided to stop for Maghrib prayers. And not long after I stopped, auntie call me back telling that she is going back with another auntie and at then she asked me “Hada dah dapat berita?” and I said “yes, the nurse kata ayah dah tak sedar masa they all nak bagi ubat” and she replied “ayah dah takde Da…” and I didn’t here what more auntie said after that as I was crying all alone…right in front of the mosque that my dad first taught me how to pray…in that very compound of the mosque that we used to play during our childhood…and turning to the left was the house that we used to live…
Hubby & BIL came back to the car soonest they finish the Maghrib and with my heart sank, I told them that he’s gone and off we headed back to Johor once again…and on our way back, lil brother keep on telling us to drive carefully and be patient and if we can make it we should drive back to JB or else we just go back straight to Mersing…
My warm tears keep on dropping…there’s no way I can stop it. The messages keep on coming in, the calls keep on coming in, and I’m there crying with all the memories with him, keep on coming back to me…
We reached Mersing by 1am, with some neighbors & family member around. I saw nenek first when I step in the house, one and only nenek we have around, and I hugged her tight, crying on her shoulder, then hugged my auntie, dad’s younger sister and salam with the rest of the people there.
I went up, I saw my mom at the corner of the hall, crying & reading Yassin for ayah…I hugged her and she said “dia dah takde…dia dah tinggalkan kita Da…” I wiped her tears and we hugged each other keep on crying…then slowly, I went to the motionless body of my beloved father, lifting the white scarf covering his face. I look at his face, he look like in a very deep sleep peacefully…I dare not to kiss him…I’m afraid of my tears to drop on him…not to hurt him…anymore…
And I gather my strength to get a shower, to get myself fresh new clothes and to start recite him the Yassin…
I just don’t feel to fall asleep, I just wanna be by his side before we send for his final journey later…but I fall asleep and in the morning I realized that I fall asleep while hugging his kopiah…
In the morning, while cleaning up around the house, before people start to come, I found his sandal sitting properly on a bench under the starfruit tree in front of the house…it looks like it’s been lying there for few day unattended with some rain drops on it and some sands…and that was the last sandal I bought for him on one of the Hari Raya..and immediately, I recalled how satisfied was his look at that moment…my tears started to drop again…
Later, people start to come…with concerns and condolences…we being hugged and when I look around, I can see faces and tears and the sadness of our loss, deep in my heart I know that he was so much loved…
In the house, all the neighbors are reciting tahlil arwah…all the relatives keep on coming.
After the mandi jenazah completed, we just watched the men put on his kapan…the final outfit for him…he looks clean and white, tears keep on dropping…
All my aunties surrounded him for the recites of Yassin, they lost their brother…and I lost my father, my pillar of strength...
Mom went first for her last kiss, and when lil brother call me next...I cried by his side, took me sometimes to gather my strength to kiss him goodbye…
And my auntie said to me, “Tuhan je yang tau yang Cik Ami sayang sangat kat dia…”
Slowly they wrapped his face, lil brother and a few others perform the solat jenazah before they lifted his body into the van jenazah that was waiting outside…only the men went to perform another round of the pray and proceed to the grave. Me, just keep on watching and I was waiting…for someone to arrive…
Dad told us during arwah nenek’s funeral 5 years back, “nanti bila ayah mati, orang perempuan jangan hantar ayah pergi kubur, tak baik…tunggu je kat rumah”…so on that day, we just waited…
My in law arrived when we were about to leave for the grave. When we reached, the imam was reciting the talkin and prays. We keep on praying…
Atuk Tan Sri (as I always refer Tan Sri Kadir) called after we were all back at home…thanking us to inform him…listening his voice and made me cry again when I heard he cry at the other end…”ayah awak orang baik…balik KL nanti datang umah atok aji…nanti kita jumpa…sabar ye Shuhada…”
So many things we heard on the day of the passes…and we also know that he also being visited by the unseen…
I have the nerve only now to put it on…
I’ve got my ticket to go back alone on Sunday night, but when I was in a meeting with client on Saturday afternoon, lil girl changed plan to go back ASAP on Saturday night since ayah been admitted to Sultanah Aminah Hospital, Johor Bharu.
We reached JB only on Sunday afternoon, after a very early journey on Sunday morning from KL since both lil girl and BIL worked late on Saturday night.
He was resting when we arrived, lil brother said he don’t wanna eat…not even the fruits that were his favorites.
When we around him, he said that he feels exhausted and once a while seeking for a deep breath…he asked us to give him some massage. So we did…like we always did…
We tried to feed him, but he refused, he said he don’t have the appetite to eat…
I took care of him that Sunday night, being with him that night...watching him sleep, help him to wake up…it’s such a different feeling to see him lying in bed with the oxygen mask…I know he don’t like it, but I told him that he has to, otherwise he won’t be getting enough oxygen, and he listened. Once a while he wanted to sit, so I helped him to sit and when he fall asleep, I helped him to lay down…until he fall in a deep sleep…
I just sleep by his bed, just don’t want to be away from him…
His condition getting more stable on Monday night after some food feed by lil girl, and getting better on Tuesday morning.
Mom arrived in the afternoon, I saw she cries telling dad to be patient…I can’t describe what the feeling at that time was. I kissed him before left him for KL.
Later, we took mom for lunch and some rest. Whilst having lunch, mom told us that dad whisper to her that it’s not the time yet…and we laughed, hiding our own feeling…
And I was about 80 km to KL when I smells dad…and I told hubby about it, and it was quite sometimes before I tell him…
We just reached Desa Pandan to get some dinner when we received a call from hospital, the nurse said that he’s very critical, he’s unconscious and at that time, mom, lil’ girl and lil’ brother was on their way back to hospital for Maghrib prayer…
And when hubby & BIL catching up their rush dinner, my tears started to drop slowly…unstoppable…I’m sending messages all over to aunties & uncles…and the relatives that I can remember.
When auntie said that she wants to come with us back to Johor, I decided to stop for Maghrib prayers. And not long after I stopped, auntie call me back telling that she is going back with another auntie and at then she asked me “Hada dah dapat berita?” and I said “yes, the nurse kata ayah dah tak sedar masa they all nak bagi ubat” and she replied “ayah dah takde Da…” and I didn’t here what more auntie said after that as I was crying all alone…right in front of the mosque that my dad first taught me how to pray…in that very compound of the mosque that we used to play during our childhood…and turning to the left was the house that we used to live…
Hubby & BIL came back to the car soonest they finish the Maghrib and with my heart sank, I told them that he’s gone and off we headed back to Johor once again…and on our way back, lil brother keep on telling us to drive carefully and be patient and if we can make it we should drive back to JB or else we just go back straight to Mersing…
My warm tears keep on dropping…there’s no way I can stop it. The messages keep on coming in, the calls keep on coming in, and I’m there crying with all the memories with him, keep on coming back to me…
We reached Mersing by 1am, with some neighbors & family member around. I saw nenek first when I step in the house, one and only nenek we have around, and I hugged her tight, crying on her shoulder, then hugged my auntie, dad’s younger sister and salam with the rest of the people there.
I went up, I saw my mom at the corner of the hall, crying & reading Yassin for ayah…I hugged her and she said “dia dah takde…dia dah tinggalkan kita Da…” I wiped her tears and we hugged each other keep on crying…then slowly, I went to the motionless body of my beloved father, lifting the white scarf covering his face. I look at his face, he look like in a very deep sleep peacefully…I dare not to kiss him…I’m afraid of my tears to drop on him…not to hurt him…anymore…
And I gather my strength to get a shower, to get myself fresh new clothes and to start recite him the Yassin…
I just don’t feel to fall asleep, I just wanna be by his side before we send for his final journey later…but I fall asleep and in the morning I realized that I fall asleep while hugging his kopiah…
In the morning, while cleaning up around the house, before people start to come, I found his sandal sitting properly on a bench under the starfruit tree in front of the house…it looks like it’s been lying there for few day unattended with some rain drops on it and some sands…and that was the last sandal I bought for him on one of the Hari Raya..and immediately, I recalled how satisfied was his look at that moment…my tears started to drop again…
Later, people start to come…with concerns and condolences…we being hugged and when I look around, I can see faces and tears and the sadness of our loss, deep in my heart I know that he was so much loved…
In the house, all the neighbors are reciting tahlil arwah…all the relatives keep on coming.
After the mandi jenazah completed, we just watched the men put on his kapan…the final outfit for him…he looks clean and white, tears keep on dropping…
All my aunties surrounded him for the recites of Yassin, they lost their brother…and I lost my father, my pillar of strength...
Mom went first for her last kiss, and when lil brother call me next...I cried by his side, took me sometimes to gather my strength to kiss him goodbye…
And my auntie said to me, “Tuhan je yang tau yang Cik Ami sayang sangat kat dia…”
Slowly they wrapped his face, lil brother and a few others perform the solat jenazah before they lifted his body into the van jenazah that was waiting outside…only the men went to perform another round of the pray and proceed to the grave. Me, just keep on watching and I was waiting…for someone to arrive…
Dad told us during arwah nenek’s funeral 5 years back, “nanti bila ayah mati, orang perempuan jangan hantar ayah pergi kubur, tak baik…tunggu je kat rumah”…so on that day, we just waited…
My in law arrived when we were about to leave for the grave. When we reached, the imam was reciting the talkin and prays. We keep on praying…
Atuk Tan Sri (as I always refer Tan Sri Kadir) called after we were all back at home…thanking us to inform him…listening his voice and made me cry again when I heard he cry at the other end…”ayah awak orang baik…balik KL nanti datang umah atok aji…nanti kita jumpa…sabar ye Shuhada…”
So many things we heard on the day of the passes…and we also know that he also being visited by the unseen…
*my tears keep on coming, at anytime...and thank you to you for being very close...
