Just a Feeling

At times when you are happy, you are not sure if you are really happy.
The mix of feelings hit me recently.

I don't intend to write in details here.
Yes, I've been looking forward for something very special when the last time I got it was sometimes ago. It's been very long. Sigh!
But after getting it again on Friday, it wasn't the same feeling. It was as good as before even better. I'm not sure.
Was it me who want more than what being offered?
Was it you who try to comfort yourself, to hide the truth that give you the pain?

It is just a feeling lingering around me for the past few days, make me feel suffocated internally...fighting with my own spirits, my own thoughts..like usual.
I know there's only one at this time, and when I always get what I want, I feel breathless when it didn't turn out to be the way I want it to be. Like usual, again.

When I look at the happy faces, but the truth being told make me feel unsure on what to feel.
I pity the juniors, when they know nothing what is happening in between them.
Looking at the smiles but knowing it is all fake, and the truth is the pain.

NO I don't intend to do anything
NO I don't intend to be the supports when I myself is struggling with the truth that is also equals to pain
NO I don't want to be part of the pain but part of the truth? It's just there. Unintended

When I read what I'm reading now, it hit me right under my nose.
At once when we tried to deny but the things keep on coming to you, only the strength will save you.

SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMM! I feel like to throw everything inside me now, to the farest my voice can go. And please let the wind bring it to wherever they want it and let the truth prevail.
Should I blame myself for having this kind of emotions inside me?
No, I don't think so.
Should people being blame for not being like the way I want it to be?
A big NO of course!
I'm not that crazy at least.

Oh God, perhaps I don't thank you much for whatever you give me all this while
Oh God, perhaps I left the things that I've been carrying in me all this while
Oh God, perhaps the presure make me be out of the line a bit? Or so far away?
Oh Dear God, please show me the right path...
Oh God, please help me...